Monday, April 23, 2012

My Child and the Family Rules

Parents are idiots! When it’s “my child,” I will believe anything s/he says and defend “my child” to the death in spite of evidence to the contrary. As a teacher, I know the lies, half-truth, misrepresentations, and manipulations that become a child’s way of life, especially if/when the child’s parent(s) is called in for a conference. A student never fails to hand in an assignment; the teacher always loses it. A student never cuts a class; the teacher always makes an attendance mistake. A student never uses foul language, interrupts a class, cheats on a test, or, currently, disrupts a class by using a cell phone during class: it’s always the teacher’s false accusation. What makes it frustrating for the teacher is that far too often the parent supports the child, relying on the “my child” syndrome that passes for parenting.

Last night, I watched an hour of parental assurance that “my child” would never use a cell phone while driving, would never get into a vehicle with a person who had either been using drugs or drinking, would never knowingly break the “rules” the parent established for a young teen driver prior to handing over the keys to the family car. Parents assured the host of the TV show that they had talked with “my child” about the rules, as well as their expectations, and they knew with absolute certainty that “my child” is a good driver and would never … fill in the blank with typical teen behavior. What parents forget is that this is the same “my child” who breaks curfew, who over-sleeps the alarm, who has no clue how to clean up his/her bedroom or empty the trash or mow the lawn after years of being told to do so, who plays computer games rather than complete homework (if “my child” is even honest enough to admit that s/he has homework), who throws wild parties with both drugs and alcohol when the parents go away for a weekend, who will have sex anywhere, anytime, with anyone because they know that sex is the social currency for their generation.

“My child” is the same imperfect, irresponsible, patience-trying child who lives in your home, but this time, s/he’s behind the wheel of a car to which you’ve given him/her the keys. And, you still refer to him/her as "my child."

For the TV special, cameras were installed in the cars the teens drove for four months, which added to the parents’ confidence that “my child” would not possibly violate any of the parental rules for driving the vehicle because it would be caught on tape. Four months is a long time, long enough for the kids to forget the cameras are there and revert to customary behavior. Parents were astounded when their kids drove while eating, drove while texting, drove while talking on their phones, drove, in one case, with a buxom beauty in a bikini top sitting on the console of the car between the driver and the passenger sans seat belt. Parents were astounded by how distracted their children were while behind the wheel, speeding, blowing through stop signs, making wild, uncontrolled turns, slamming on the breaks to avoid collisions.

The teen drivers? Not so much surprised: they knew perfectly well what they were doing while behind the wheel of the family car and they laughed as they watched what the cameras caught on tape. It’s easier to tell the parents what they want to hear than it is not to break the family rules because chances are the teen will never be caught breaking the rules the parents believe are sacrosanct. When the teen drivers met their parents and saw how upset their parents were, they immediately went into the contrite routine: I’m so sorry, I’ll never do it again! Parents, hugging their teens tightly, remind “my child” that they better not … or else … but there is no “or else” as the parents let their kids keep the car keys and the cell phones.

The caught-on-camera contrition lasts until the next time "my child" is behind the wheel. The habits teen drivers establish when they begin driving are the habits they keep as they continue to drive.

I’m an advocate of driver’s licenses being withheld until age 18. We’re no longer in the dinosaur era, when vehicles topped out at 45 mph and we had to answer the phone at home; these kids are behind the wheel of cars that instantly go from stopped at a red light to 50 mph before the next light and their cell phones never leave their hands. There are far too many distractions to take attention off the driving of the car, many of which, unfortunately, are sitting in the seats with the teen drivers. Sure, there are laws that make it illegal for newly-licensed teen drivers to have passengers – but that’s a law as totally unenforceable as the one banning driving while talking on a hand-held cell phone. There is no one more easily distracted from what’s in front of them than teen drivers, who are always looking for or doing something while they are behind the wheel.

Parent after parent after parent reacted with disbelief as they watched the video of their kids’ driving, but especially so when the teens confidently got into vehicles with drivers they believe have been using drugs or drinking. Parents want to believe that “my child” will not ride with anyone who has been using drugs or drinking because “we’ve talked about that,” but, in this experiment, only the child whose uncle had been killed by a drunk driver refused to accept the ride, which then provided a reason for her two friends also to refuse to get into the vehicle. If one teen gets into the car, the others get into it too because peer pressure outweighs parental pressure – if the parents are not right there to take the heat off the teen to make his/her own decision in spite of the consequences from his peers.

Kids tell parents whatever they want to hear because that’s what they want to hear, but when push comes to shove, peer pressure becomes the deciding factor in making the right decision, the old “going along to get along.”

I smiled when the expert commentator told parents to take away the car keys, to take away the cell phone, to ride with their kids more often, to be the parent. When it comes to “my child” behind the wheel of a car, ride with “my child” frequently and without always announcing your intent beforehand. You can believe “my child” when s/he says “I’m going over to blank’s house to study,” but get into the car with “my child” and you may realize that there is a difference between what "my child" says and what s/he does. It’s tough to stand up to kids, but that is a parent’s job. It’s not enough to talk the talk with your kids; you have to walk the walk, too.

And, sometimes, you have to ride along for a reality check.

Monday, April 16, 2012

April 16, 1912

My father was born on this date a century ago, a couple of days after the Titanic sank to the bottom of the sea. I remember Daddy celebrating his 50th birthday, going off into the wilderness with his best friend, my godfather, Chesley Pinkham, to ride motorbikes borrowed from Ches's sons. The day did not end well. My father crashed and badly broke his leg. By the time Ches got him to the hospital, Daddy had lost a lot of blood and spent most of the night in surgery to save his leg and receiving blood transfusions to save his life.

It took too long for his leg to heal, but Daddy pushed to return to work because he was the sole financial provider for his wife and six children, the youngest of whom was a little boy named for his father's father. When Daddy did go back to work, he could not make it past noon, so he came home, exhausted, went to bed, and slept for the next 3 days. Mom knew something was wrong, but had no idea that 2 months after the accident, Daddy would be diagnosed (June 14, 1962) with leukemia, a blood disease about which little was known. The doctor originally assured the family that, with treatment, Daddy could live another 25 years -- or the disease could be more virulent and the prognosis not so optimistic.

Daddy died July 14, 1962 from the more virulent form of leukemia. My Mom always believed that Daddy got the leukemia along with the blood transfusions because, had he been terminally ill prior to his injury, he never would have survived the accident and the surgeries. Back then, blood was not tested, just used when it was needed to save a life; in this case, it probably also took a life.

Happy birthday, Daddy. Thinking about you today.

9-5 v 24/7

We all do it: say something one way that comes out another and often not the way we intended. However, when one misspeaks on an international stage, especially in the midst of a hotly-contested election year, the gaffe goes viral and the ramifications become earth-shaking. Thus, the “she’s never worked a day in her life” comment that sent women’s liberation back a century, as well as provided an unexpected new platform for a Republican candidate. A job is lost, a lesson is learned, and, perhaps, an election is won by the slip of the tongue.

As the commercial touts, some things are priceless, such as the free publicity garnered from a media interview that went sideways. A cottage industry erupted over night, featuring mugs and political products that proudly proclaim, “I’m a mother and I do work!” Ouch; isn’t that a point made long ago and reinforced by passage of Title 9 legislation? Women can both work outside the home and raise children, and women can raise children and work hard at that job, especially, perhaps, a political candidate’s wife who not only has to deal with her husband’s very public career, but her passel of sons and her own battles with MS. Somehow, in the media's spinning of the slip of the commentator's tongue, life for a mother with money became much easier, less stressful, and not really as much work as life for any other mother. As one commentator responded over the weekend, Michelle Obama is not “working outside the (White) House,” but no one could possibly accuse her of “not working” because she’s at home with her children, has help with childcare and household chores, and is much wealthier than many mothers.

The moment the ill-conceived words were out of the original speaker’s mouth, she knew it was going to get ugly, and it has. Is what she said worthy of her losing her job? Probably not, but in today’s media madness, there is no “oops.” If there is no news, make some; if there is no issue, create one. People thrive on discord, disharmony, and going viral in the most egregious way they can find to do so.

Some old school words of wisdom may put things into perspective: there, but for the grace of God, go I. It may not be me this time, but it may be me the next time, so treat everyone every time as you would like to be treated when it’s your time.

Go Fish

The old saying about teaching someone to fish and eating for a lifetime is an idea I believe in and support with my educational practices. Sure, I can do it faster, easier, and maybe even better than the student, but s/he has to learn how to do it and then teach the generations that follow how to do it, too. Crafts die because they are not taught, willingly or otherwise, to the next generation. It is easier and sometimes cheaper to shop for clothes off the rack, but engaging in the effort to select a pattern, fabric, and sewing notions, and then laying out, cutting, and constructing the garment instills satisfaction in the job well done, as well as pride and ownership, the “I made it myself” moment.

Yucheng, an international college student from China who has become an honorary adopted member of my family, was intrigued when he learned I planned to make a couple of wardrobe pieces for the retirement cruise. We talked about his grandmother's treadle sewing machine that uses foot power, rather than a power cord. As we talked about sewing, Yucheng said he wanted to watch while I sewed, but I decided to prepare a sewing lesson instead of providing entertainment. I purchased an inexpensive piece of cotton to make a garment that is a combination of a capped sleeve jacket that is bolero-style and length. My thought was to make a short cover-up with a capped sleeve that would not add bulk to the sleeveless dinner dress I am going to make for the cruise, but that will provide coverage for my flabby upper arms. I laid out the pattern pieces and did all the cutting ahead, so when Yucheng arrived on my doorstep, I was ready with today’s sewing lesson.

At first, Yucheng said no, he would watch, but that was not an option. Yucheng’s first straight seam wandered off the sewing guide, so I made him rip it back and do it again. Once he saw the error and knew why he had to fix it, he didn’t make the same mistake again. He did all of the basic garment construction, learning how to pin correctly (yes, there is a correct way to pin), using the iron as part of the sewing process, stretching the fabric gently to “ease” a curved seam, and feeling proud when the garment is finished – and “I made it!"

Yucheng’s mother and extended family live in China, so I made a short video of the first seam and took photos throughout the construction process. When he completed that first seam, his eyes opened wide, his head lifted up, and his face glowed with the thrill of knowing that he did it: he sewed a seam and was ready to sew another. That’s education, the moment of knowing that “I did it, and it belongs to me now and forever.”

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Chill Coachella

The stories of the epic heat are legend in the desert, often exaggerated from a mere 110 to an awesome 120 – in the shade, especially during Coachella Fest, the annual Music Festival that brings 85k music fans to the Valley this weekend alone. However, the stories this year will be about record cold. A storm blew into the Valley yesterday, the opening day of week one of the Festival, and it's darned cold, as well as wet, in the desert.

Last weekend, I walked the dogs while wearing my shorts and a t-shirt; last night, for one of the few times all winter, I turned on the heat rather than shivering my way to dawn buried under a pile of winter blankets. The rain is freezing cold and brought several inches of snow to the surrounding mountain ranges since yesterday morning, driven by fierce winds that whip the wind chill into the freezing range. This morning, at 7 AM, temps were in the low middle 40s.

Coachella patrons, refusing to believe the advance weather reports that forecast really, really cold weather/rain throughout the weekend, arrived in bathing suits, flip flops and sunglasses. On-scene reporters kept asking the exhuberant Festival fans where their cold-weather clothes were, but got laughs in return. “It’s Coachella, man! It’s all about the music.”

I hope the compassionate fans who came prepared for the rain and cold winds shared their warm-ups last night with the die-hard fans who have to be cold to the bone. It may warm up today to the low 70s, but rain is in the forecast again for tonight and tomorrow, the final day of this week's Coachella. But who knows: could be in the 90s for the second Coachella next weekend.

UPDATE: It was in the 70s Saturday, the low 80s Sunday, so Coachella I was a huge success. Predictions for this weekend's Coachella II: in the 90s and low triple digits. Let the good times roll again!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Error in Judgment

A Marine SSgt sent a Twitter post wherein he boasts that he’s qualifying on the rifle range and "shooting black all day, just like George Zimmerman.” A young man is dead and another man caused that death and has been arrested. The accusations of racial motivation are pervasive; however, the details of what happened to cause that death are, at this time, undetermined. To suggest that the young man’s death was a deliberate action of aiming for “the black,” as if the victim had a target pinned to his body, is so wrong on so many levels that there is no defense for the Marine’s thought, but especially for putting that thought into words and then sharing those words with others.

I staunchly defend a person’s right to freedom of speech, but this is an abuse of that freedom and goes way beyond a simple error in judgment. The Marine may be a good shot on the rifle range, but he shot his mouth off at the wrong time, in the wrong way, and with a message that is so wrong it's hard to believe he did this. There is no taking back what's already done, but each of us is accountable for both our actions and our words, and this Marine needs to be held accountable.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Siriusly Censored

As I drove back down the hill from teaching my Wed class, I listened to TMZ on Sirius radio. Harvey Levin drives me nuts with his endless clarifications of and pontifications about each and every issue and comment, but it's better than the pet psychic, or Weight Wednesday, or Dr. Laura screaming at listeners to "shut up" and listen to her. On Sirius Radio almost anything goes, so I hear a lot of profanity, as well as suggestive topics that leave nothing to the imagination, depending on who's doing the talking and what they are talking about. However, today I believe Harvey Levin was censored -- and Harvey never says anything worthy of censorship.

The conversation centered on the recent Oklahoma shootings that apparently are blatantly racially motivated. In the course of reporting on that event, a newscaster said the word "nigger" as he read aloud a quote from the suspects about why they committed the crimes. All hell broke loose all over the media because everyone knows to say "the n word," not actually read or say the word "nigger" on air. The TMZ staff engaged in one of the first true conversations I've heard from them, and even non-white TMZ correspondents differentiated between using the word personally, especially in a racial slur, as being not okay, and using the word professionally as part of a quote from another source as being okay.

NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO SAY THAT WORD UNLESS THEIR SKIN IS BLACK, clarified Whoopie on the last episode I watched of The View (because I refuse ever to watch another episode). And, I never thought I'd say this, but it seems that Whoopie and I actually agree on a point, according to the TMZ staff discussion today about the danger of avoiding using the word "nigger" in some contexts.

Whenever I taught To Kill a Mockingbird, I did not permit students to substitute the phrase "the n word" for the word "nigger" as it was used by the author, Harper Lee. The use of the word "nigger" is not just authentic to the historical time and place for Harper's story (1930s South), but it is essential in a story that examines the black/white societal divide. In Mockingbird, even those who are not racist themselves (such as protagonist Atticus Finch) become racist by association when the all-male, all-white jury finds guilty, and then sentences, an innocent man to prison only because he is black and his accuser is white.

[Note to all those who jumped on the recent TV showing of the Gregory Peck movie based on Harper Lee's book: Mockingbird is not set in the 1960s; the book was published in the very early days of the 1960s. The actual setting for the book is the 1930s, so it was a bit funny to listen to recent media interviewees compare the racism of the 1960s in Lee's book to the present.)

My rationale for students reading aloud what's written by an author is similar to Whoopie's explanation (per the TMZ staff) that "cutesing up" the racial epithet when it's used to create a specific mood in literature, or, in this case, a news story, somehow diminishes the offense of the user of the word as a racial slur. When students came to realize themselves how demeaning that word is when it's the only word used to refer to another human being, the lesson went deeper than me simply saying, "Don't use that word: it's not nice."

The offense is in the word, so substituting the get-around phrase almost makes it okay to say the offensive word!

Abruptly the discussion ended and an announcer's voice began telling listeners that the program regularly scheduled for this time slot was temporarily lost, but techs were working to solve the problem and it would be back on the air soon. And TMZ was back on the air soon. As soon as the clip of the actual news report wherein the on-camera reporter spoke the word "nigger" finished playing, Harvey was back on the other side of the clip talking about that reporter actually using "the n word" to report news!!

Wow. Sirius Radio doesn't censor anyone for anything, but I guess someone decided that there is NO WAY anyone, even innocuous Harvey Levin of TMZ fame, is going to get away with airing another person in another setting reading "nigger," instead of substituting the all-too-cutsey "the n word."

Sunday, April 8, 2012

In One Ear and Then the Other

For the past 3 weeks, my head has been swirling with foreign sounds and I've experienced dizziness and disorientation with sudden moves. My left ear suggests that a refrigerator motor is constantly running, while my right ear has an irritating constantly ringing whine. I've restricted my driving owing to the dizziness, but have also missed far too many phone calls because I never heard the phone ring.

I've been to the doctor and taken 2 courses of prescription meds, neither of which appear to help with the ear issues but did help with the respiratory infection and inflammation. I've used OTC ear drops, as well as both alcohol and hydrogen peroxide to try to dry out my ears, but, perhaps, they aren't "wet" and something else is causing the stoppage. The pharmacist suggested taking suda-fed, which I have, and it helps, but in the morning, when I don't take a dosage for the 10 hours I try to sleep, the ringing and motor running sounds are back full-force.

He also suggested a "neti pot," but I checked that on the internet and people have died from using neti pots, so I'm going to pass on that process.

Of course, my biggest concern is clearing this up prior to the cruise as it's going to take 12 hours in planes to arrive at the foreign destination, and I'm not sure my ears are going to agree to the pressurization issues that come with flying. I bought ear protection to wear on the flights, but that's only going to work for me if what is currently an issue is cleared up before inserting the ear devices.

Back to the doctor again.

UPDATING: I found the cause of all the "allergy" issues: I used a new laundry detergent, P&G's Tide "Pods," in a scent called "Mystic Forest." I knew that the physical issues were worse at night, but ... could NOT figure out a cause. This past weekend, however, I did a load of laundry and realized I had changed detergent; whenever allergies flare, I look for what I'm doing differently, but never dreamed that my good ole Tide came in a different scent. Rewashed all the sheets, towels, clothing in my OLD Tide -- and my allergies cleared up, my ears are almost clear, and I feel human again. Believe me, I will donate these Pods to someone who can savor the scent and I'll return to go ole UNSCENTED TIDE to keep my clothes both clean and safe for me to breathe.

Use Your Words

In the film The American President, the Michael Douglas character is attacked by a political opponent for carrying an ACLU membership card. When the political attacks extend to his girlfriend vis a vis a decade old newspaper photo of her protesting apartheid, Douglas gives one of the best political speeches I’ve ever heard in which he says that if the mission of the ACLU is to protect individual freedoms, why doesn’t everyone belong to the organization? His central point, however, is that the strength of America comes from questioning … everything … but most especially our political system and its leaders, a message that is coming to the forefront of American’s thinking as the words of our politicians are consistently excused as “mis-speaking” and clarified by a press release. Say what you mean; mean what you say; but, more importantly, stand by what you say even when you screw up and then make your own apology if one is warranted.

A U.S. Marine recently questioned the President’s politics in a blog, which is a form of individual communication that provides many perspectives on what is happening in the world today. People, such as I, ask questions, provide commentary, and stimulate thinking about issues that may slip quietly into the "this is a non-issue" media approach to journalistic censorship. Few journalists actively question this President, perhaps because journalists are especially cognizant not to appear to be racially insensitive. The President has made what could be construed as questionable comments on many fronts that are quickly clarified by the press secretary, but we all move on because the President (and his press secretary) have the power of the "no comment" response. If the President can mis-speak and be given a pass, why cannot a private citizen express opinions, both personal and political, and not be pilloried in the press and then dismissed from a job for doing what is at the core of being an American: exercising the right to freedom of speech.

When the President offended a fellow African-American man by calling his actions in challenging the authority of local law enforcement “stupid,” a characterization that was not meant to be heard, but was, the two men met at the White House and shared a very public beer. The Marine has been told he’s no longer one of the few; he already knew that he was no longer one of the proud when he was called on the carpet for expressing a critical political opinion in his blog. If the President were a better man, he would recall Michael Douglas’s words and extend his hand to the Marine in conversation, rather than ignoring the actions taken against him for asking the tough questions, the ones that really need to be answered.

We cannot continue to accept the current practice, “Do as I say, not as I do,” especially when it comes to the political foundations of this United States of America. The freedom of speech is a precious right of every American, not just the right of the American President.