Wait 'Til Your Father Gets Home!

Oh, for crying out loud: it is NOT in my job description to explain what a “codpiece” is to a 16-year-old (young) man!

I thought, for a fleeting moment, that no one would hear the narrator for the “Knights and Armor” educational film mention the “unusual codpiece” on a particular piece of armor. Actually, it’s huge and would make any male porn star proud of his accomplishments, but I was sure not one teen would bat an eyelash as it’s a quick pan of the camera and we move on.

And then along came Willy, the guy who notices everything that is the least bit sexual—no matter how far one stretches the definition of “sexual.” The humongous, jutting “codpiece” was his cuppa tea, and he went for it.

“Wait! What the HELL was that? DID YOU SEE THAT?” he asked the students.

When he received no response from anyone, including yours truly, he became agitated. “Rewind that part! I want to see that again. I frickin’ can’t believe it! It’s a metal dick!”

Oh, dear god, here we go, I thought. “No, Willy, it’s called a codpiece,” chirped I, ever the educator.

“A COD piece? Yeah, it’s a piece all right, but I ain’t never heard it called no COD!”

It is amazing how loudly and how long a teenager can laugh about an educational film! There were two distinct layers to the laughter: the deep male-bonding bass and the embarrassed tittering of the sopranos. It was going south in a hurry, and Willy was on a roll. It’s in the job description that I head him off at the pass, so I grabbed at something, anything, anything at all to stop this before it went one word further.

“Willy, may I see you for a moment?” I headed for my quiet corner, he reluctantly following me, still stuttering on about the huge metal dick on that dude. I knew it was going to be a hard sell, but I had to turn him away from the 1/10 th of one second of the film.

“Willy, during the Elizabethan times, Shakespeare often referred to an extra layer of protection for a man’s genitalia as a codpiece” wasn’t going to answer Willy’s question or quiet his commentary. Myriad thoughts ran through my head, but no solution offered itself to me before I was backed into the corner of the room I optimistically call my office. I was either going to walk off the field of battle carrying my shield or be laughed off by the kid, but I had to try.

Going for broke, I told him that the antiquated term codpiece referred to a protective covering of a man’s private parts, similar to the athletic cup he wears when he plays baseball. I further allowed as how a particular piece of armor in the educational film briefly showed one such metal codpiece, but we were not going to rewind and watch that part of the film again.

Trying desperately to turn him away from codpieces, I also mentioned that his outburst was inappropriate in a classroom setting, and reminded him that he needs to learn to temper his natural tendency to shout out, especially when he is making inappropriate sexual references.

No, I didn’t really think that would take him off point, but I had to try. Suddenly, a plan evolved and I explained to Willy that his natural curiosity could, however, be satisfied …

if he and his father would like to come in either before or after school. I would gladly rewind the film so he and his father could view it, and then his father could have a father/son conversation about the codpiece on the piece of armor.

Yeah, like that’s going to happen. No dad in the world would voluntarily walk into that scenario, and Willy knew it.

Willy returned to watch the rest of the film clip in silence, perhaps waiting for something else provocative to catch his eye so we could enjoy round 2. However, I have the power of the remote, so I closed down the film and wound things up just as the bell rang.

Bu there is a thought that won't go away: what the heck do I do IF DAD SHOWS UP?