Depends

Elderly maiden Aunt Mathilde accepted our invitation to Thanksgiving dinner and agreed, for one of the few times in her life, to fly. We found her a non-stop flight from northern to southern California. We told her about the travel regulations, including small containers in plastic bags and extra fees to bring even the smallest suitcase with her. Auntie M assured us that she would be "just fine," as long as she remembered her family secret.

Auntie M took a taxi to the airport, presented her ticket, sent her small overnight suitcase on its way through the baggage maze, and joined the queue of other passengers for the pre-boarding screening process. We had explained to Auntie M that she would have to remove her coat and her shoes, place them into a bin, and keep her ticket in her hand as she walked through the security gate, so she understood that process and accepted that it is what's necessary to keep passengers safe, once in the sky.

Auntie M is not the kind of woman who would allow a stranger either to see what's beneath her closed coat or to touch her body without her expressed permission, and then only in what she calls her "public areas": a shoulder to cry on, an escort's elbow, or a lover's embrace. She also had her "family secret," the bulky, extra-absorbent adult diapers that allowed her the dignity to handle her incontinance in private. No one needed to know that she had embarrassing Sudden Leak Syndrome, which could occur more frequently when she traveled.

The TSA screener directed Auntie M to the left and told her to stand in front of a flat panel as he explained that she would have a full body x-ray. Auntie M, aghast at the idea of showing her entire body to a stranger, and, perhaps, revealing her family secret, tried to explain her predicament by responding, "Depends."

"Depends on what?" he responded. "Do you have something to hide?"

"No," she responded, "it's Depends."

"Are you refusing to be x-rayed?" he asked, motioning for another attendant to join him at the flat screen.

"No, I'm not," she replied, "but it's Depends."

The second TSA worker came closer, listened to the conversation, then directed Auntie M to follow her to a screened area for a full-body pat-down. When the woman touched Auntie M in a personal way, Auntie M became very upset and, turning her eyes toward her private area, pleaded with the woman. "Depends," she said, "Depends!"

The screener ignored Auntie M and became more aggressive in the search for ... contraband? explosives? drugs? Auntie M didn't know why she was being physically assaulted, just that she was. Suddenly, the woman's hands stilled as they felt the bulky undergarment that is Auntie's family secret.

"Supervisor!" the TSA employee, shouted, "we need assistance in the screening area."
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Okay, so this is fiction, but it could be happening throughout the USA during the heightened travel season. Families with passels of kids excited and anxious about flying, may not be able to hold it together when it comes to full-body scans and full-body pat-downs, no matter how tactfully either may be performed. It will be congested airports, noisy crowds, and long, stressful lines of people who have to decide whether to allow a stranger to see their naked body image or touch them in private places. In those lines will be the elderly, the disabled, the mentally unstable, and stressed-out, overwrought travelers for whom this may be the final straw in an already difficult day.

In trying to prevent an explosive situation in the air, the airport personnel may be creating an even more explosive situation in the terminals across America.

Is the TSA going to detain every person who objects to the violation of their personal space, or is it going to be a selective process? Granny gets groped, while a young woman covered head-to-toe in her native garb is passed through, rather than risk violating her religious beliefs? Is the TSA going to require individuals wearing a robe and/or head covering to remove it -- or pass them through, rather than risk offending someone who may object to removing a voluminous head covering by racially profiling them? Is any person wearing a bulky adult diaper going to be publicly humiliated because one potential suicide bomber used that option to try to explode a plane in the air? Auntie M is equally offended at the assault on her personal freedom and dignity, but she will be detained, while a person who claims religious privilege or racial profiling will be passed through.

We don't think things through and work in a proactive way to prevent terrorists from commiting their crimes, but we sure have the knee-jerk reactionary tactics down pat!

Pun intended.