My next-door neighbor is a single mom with a newly-14-year-old daughter. Mom has been out of work for about a year and also is without transportation. She signed up for college classes, but the second week of the semester she was contacted about a full-time position with a child care provider. Because she has completed many different training courses and earned several certificates, she is well-qualified to work in the field and did, in the past, before moving to this isolated little part of the world. Even though her primary goal is to complete a BA degree, she could not turn down the job interview and was thrilled to learn that she was selected.
When she called me to share her good fortune, I promised we'd go out to dinner to celebrate. Tonight was the evening we set aside for our celebration dinner, but I called it off when I arrived at her door to pick her and her daughter up and found them actively engaged in a screaming match. I listened for a minute, but then was done, over it, and interrupted them to tell them that I was leaving. No way was I going to go anywhere with either of them, especially if the tab for the evening was mine to pay. The mother froze in her spot, apologized, told me she understood, and that was that. The daughter, however, went for it, making it all about her: she had been with her friends and came home for "this," pointing out that she'd changed her clothes and it was all her mother's fault. She continued to scream invectives at her mother, her dog, and her life in general, as I backed out of the doorway.
I again told the mother that I am not going to be put into the middle of this kind of behavior and that she and her daughter could argue this out without me having to listen to it. The mom again apologized, and I told her I had some errands to run, but would pick up some tacos for them from the local fast-food place and drop them off when I returned home. The mother started walking out with me, so I asked her where she was going. She had an MP3 player that did not work and was going to walk to the store and return it.
Okay, I told her, I'm heading that way to stop at the post office and then fill my gas tank, so I'll drive you.
When we got into my car, she again apologized and I simply told her that I do NOT do that kind of behavior or language between a mother and her daughter. I told her I have been looking forward to our celebration for 2 weeks, but the tacos will have to do. She told me that was not necessary, and we both did our post office errand, then I dropped her off to return the MP3 player while I drove to the gas station. When I returned to pick her up, I asked her if she wanted me to pick up the tacos or pick up her daughter so we could have our dinner, and she said she'd like to take her daughter with us if we were going to celebrate her new job.
Her daughter had a smug smile on her face when we picked her up, and she tried that I'm not going to talk to you-all thing that teenagers do, but I told her she was welcome to wait in the car while we ate -- and I'd bring her a doggie bag when we were done. She knew I meant it, apologized to me for her behavior, and we ordered our dinner.
It wasn't a win, but it wasn't a loss, either. The mom deserved some recognition, as well as support for catching a bus at 6 AM and not arriving home until 8 PM for a job that has restored her dignity. The daughter needs to back off and realize that her mother may have made mistakes in her past, but she's still here, she's still mothering her child, and she's doing her best to make a living for both of them. I'm glad we shared this evening, but I sure hate to think of what goes on when there's no one around to see it or hear it.
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