Stuck on 7

What is it about our childhood that we are doomed to relive it endlessly until we finally die? Intellectually, we all know that is our past, but emotionally, it becomes our present every time something happens in our life that brings it back to the surface. If we didn't deal with it when we were a child, we have that chance over and over throughout our lives, but for some reason, we seem stuck on 7!

It's remembered emotion, not real anymore, but we still give in. We justify our actions/reactions on how we handled our lives when we were 7 and stubbornly refuse to acknowledge that we may be 7 times that old today, as we regress to what we remember from our childhood and apply it to our adulthood. It seems silly, but it also seems right in some weird way. That was then, and perhaps there was a "something" that triggered the reaction and then embedded it into the long-term memory. It was a long time ago, yet we still cling stubbornly to it, especially in times of stress. Basically, there may be nothing wrong right now, but we still harbor the childhood action/reaction response just in case.

My youngest brother was a little boy when our father died. Yes, he lost his Daddy, but so did the rest of the family. Daddy didn't die to hurt his little boy, but his little boy is still using his Daddy's death as the starting point for most of his adult actions and reactions. The little boy is a grown man with grown children, but he's still waiting for someone to rescue him, to mother him, to give him back his Daddy and make his life all better. No one can do that for him, but it seems that he is not able/capable of changing anything about his life since age 7. Hence, he became dependent on drugs so he didn't have to grow up and/or take responsibility for his actions: my daddy died became his fall-back position for his life. My daddy died, so even though I am married, have 5 children of my own and own a business, I get to withdraw from all those realities of my life and drink myself into oblivion so I don't have to feel the pain from my past or deal with it. It does not matter that he is losing his wife, losing his children, and throwing away his business because he's emotionally 7 years old and stuck there, endlessly repeating the worst year of his life while hoping for a different outcome.

When my sister-in-law called to tell me about yet another motorcycle accident, I felt a rage inside me that threatened to explode into violent action. This time, he was arrested as he is filthy dirty, unshaven, and reeks of the booze he consumes endlessly throughout the day and into the night. He drinks himself into oblivion, puts himself and others into harm's way, and then thinks that he's doing the right thing for his family. So far, he's only physically hurt himself, but the pain he is causing his family is immense.

There is no way they would be better off without him, but when you're a drunk who also suffers from chronic depression, and emotionally stuck on 7 years old, that's as far as the brain can process. The problem with being stuck on 7 is that 7 is selfish: it's all about me, the I want syndrome wherein I want what I want, I want it right now, and I'll do whatever it takes to get it, including throwing a temper tantrum to get your attention. Most of us out-grow that stage of our lives, but some people are stuck on 7 forever, especially if they have the my daddy died excuse to justify their thinking, as well as their actions.

This time, I'm not going to jump in the car and go to him, reason with him, talk reality with him. Yes, our daddy died when we were children, but that was literally almost 50 years ago. Time moves on, and we have to move with it or be crushed by it. Yes, we were both viciously hurt by what our siblings did after our mother's death, but that is on them. We didn't do it: they did it. They move on, and we move on, and life goes on. Let it go. Let it be their lives to live, their guilt to handle. We need to live our own present lives with our own families, not try to relive the family life of our childhoods, all the while hoping that it will turn out differently. No one can change the past, but the past can certainly change a person's future if that's what they let it do.

It was a long time ago, so let it go into the past where it belongs. Stop being stuck on 7 and start living the life you have today. Don't make your children's lives be stuck on "my daddy was drunk when he ... ."