Anal Retentive

I will take three colonoscopies for every one personal collection experience. Because I was not up for more medical appointments last year, I skipped them; feeling guilty, I scheduled everything imaginable for this year, perhaps in a desperate need to make up for not having the “annual” inspections last year. Thus, I kicked off medical month with lab work today: blood glucose, cholesterol, thyroid, and fecal matter inspection. Yeah, that one. I’ve been doing the colonoscopy every 5 years, so didn’t think I had to participate in the self exam process, but figured if the doctor thinks it should be checked, I’d find a way to cooperate – regardless of how much I really, really did NOT want to do this.

For anyone who is not familiar with the experience, one must first have the urge to purge, then be willing to hold that thought whilst one sets up for the collection process that begins with floating a piece of waxed paper on top of the water in the bowl. The goal is to unburden one’s self on top of the floating paper without sinking it because coming into contact with the bowl water negates the validity of the test. It’s challenging to hover over the plastic paper and wonder if it will stay afloat long enough to collect a sample before sinking, which, of course, depends upon the gross weight of the deposit.

Some people are rodents and eject small pellets, while others collect the deposit for a couple of days and make BIG Great Dane doo-doo. Once it starts, there is no stopping to assure that the weight of the excrement does not sink the paper; because there’s only one paper provided in the collection kit, if the paper sinks, there is no Plan B provided. I’m one who never knows how large the deposit will be until I’m fully engaged in the process, so not knowing whether my paper was up to the challenge of supporting my endeavor was inhibiting. However, once the bowels move, it’s too late to back out, as it were, so the tricky part is to hoist one’s self above the bowl and take the sample with an incredibly small sample stick before the paper sinks and the experience becomes truly wasted effort.

After reading the directions three times, and preparing the collection kit in the proper sequence on the bathroom vanity, I felt I was ready to do this. OMG! I doubt that anyone will ever truly be “ready” to do this, and it really is a lot more challenging than the pictorial directions present it!! The paper sinks much faster than the person can rise, grab the collection stick, swab the excrement, and then put it into the very, very small opening in the very small collection container, snap the lid securely shut, and then resume one’s seat on the throne to finish the business at hand. If my paper had sunk and taken my sample with it, there would be no repeat performance because I’d just figure that was God laughing at me – and anyone else foolish enough to do one of these sample collections.

We old folks are the target demographic, and there are going to be far more old folks than young ones in the coming decade, so if the labs really need these specific samples, someone better come up with a more user-friendly process. If anyone wants to make life easier for all concerned, I suggest revamping the collection kit!! My eyesight is on the edge of acuity, my manual dexterity is limited, and my physical ability to rise up, do the job, and then resume my seat is challenging. I’m going to guess that I may be able to do this process once more, next year, and I’m not going to assure anyone that I can successfully complete the collection two years in a row, but I am sure I won’t want to even make the attempt.