My Child and the Family Rules

Parents are idiots! When it’s “my child,” I will believe anything s/he says and defend “my child” to the death in spite of evidence to the contrary. As a teacher, I know the lies, half-truth, misrepresentations, and manipulations that become a child’s way of life, especially if/when the child’s parent(s) is called in for a conference. A student never fails to hand in an assignment; the teacher always loses it. A student never cuts a class; the teacher always makes an attendance mistake. A student never uses foul language, interrupts a class, cheats on a test, or, currently, disrupts a class by using a cell phone during class: it’s always the teacher’s false accusation. What makes it frustrating for the teacher is that far too often the parent supports the child, relying on the “my child” syndrome that passes for parenting.

Last night, I watched an hour of parental assurance that “my child” would never use a cell phone while driving, would never get into a vehicle with a person who had either been using drugs or drinking, would never knowingly break the “rules” the parent established for a young teen driver prior to handing over the keys to the family car. Parents assured the host of the TV show that they had talked with “my child” about the rules, as well as their expectations, and they knew with absolute certainty that “my child” is a good driver and would never … fill in the blank with typical teen behavior. What parents forget is that this is the same “my child” who breaks curfew, who over-sleeps the alarm, who has no clue how to clean up his/her bedroom or empty the trash or mow the lawn after years of being told to do so, who plays computer games rather than complete homework (if “my child” is even honest enough to admit that s/he has homework), who throws wild parties with both drugs and alcohol when the parents go away for a weekend, who will have sex anywhere, anytime, with anyone because they know that sex is the social currency for their generation.

“My child” is the same imperfect, irresponsible, patience-trying child who lives in your home, but this time, s/he’s behind the wheel of a car to which you’ve given him/her the keys. And, you still refer to him/her as "my child."

For the TV special, cameras were installed in the cars the teens drove for four months, which added to the parents’ confidence that “my child” would not possibly violate any of the parental rules for driving the vehicle because it would be caught on tape. Four months is a long time, long enough for the kids to forget the cameras are there and revert to customary behavior. Parents were astounded when their kids drove while eating, drove while texting, drove while talking on their phones, drove, in one case, with a buxom beauty in a bikini top sitting on the console of the car between the driver and the passenger sans seat belt. Parents were astounded by how distracted their children were while behind the wheel, speeding, blowing through stop signs, making wild, uncontrolled turns, slamming on the breaks to avoid collisions.

The teen drivers? Not so much surprised: they knew perfectly well what they were doing while behind the wheel of the family car and they laughed as they watched what the cameras caught on tape. It’s easier to tell the parents what they want to hear than it is not to break the family rules because chances are the teen will never be caught breaking the rules the parents believe are sacrosanct. When the teen drivers met their parents and saw how upset their parents were, they immediately went into the contrite routine: I’m so sorry, I’ll never do it again! Parents, hugging their teens tightly, remind “my child” that they better not … or else … but there is no “or else” as the parents let their kids keep the car keys and the cell phones.

The caught-on-camera contrition lasts until the next time "my child" is behind the wheel. The habits teen drivers establish when they begin driving are the habits they keep as they continue to drive.

I’m an advocate of driver’s licenses being withheld until age 18. We’re no longer in the dinosaur era, when vehicles topped out at 45 mph and we had to answer the phone at home; these kids are behind the wheel of cars that instantly go from stopped at a red light to 50 mph before the next light and their cell phones never leave their hands. There are far too many distractions to take attention off the driving of the car, many of which, unfortunately, are sitting in the seats with the teen drivers. Sure, there are laws that make it illegal for newly-licensed teen drivers to have passengers – but that’s a law as totally unenforceable as the one banning driving while talking on a hand-held cell phone. There is no one more easily distracted from what’s in front of them than teen drivers, who are always looking for or doing something while they are behind the wheel.

Parent after parent after parent reacted with disbelief as they watched the video of their kids’ driving, but especially so when the teens confidently got into vehicles with drivers they believe have been using drugs or drinking. Parents want to believe that “my child” will not ride with anyone who has been using drugs or drinking because “we’ve talked about that,” but, in this experiment, only the child whose uncle had been killed by a drunk driver refused to accept the ride, which then provided a reason for her two friends also to refuse to get into the vehicle. If one teen gets into the car, the others get into it too because peer pressure outweighs parental pressure – if the parents are not right there to take the heat off the teen to make his/her own decision in spite of the consequences from his peers.

Kids tell parents whatever they want to hear because that’s what they want to hear, but when push comes to shove, peer pressure becomes the deciding factor in making the right decision, the old “going along to get along.”

I smiled when the expert commentator told parents to take away the car keys, to take away the cell phone, to ride with their kids more often, to be the parent. When it comes to “my child” behind the wheel of a car, ride with “my child” frequently and without always announcing your intent beforehand. You can believe “my child” when s/he says “I’m going over to blank’s house to study,” but get into the car with “my child” and you may realize that there is a difference between what "my child" says and what s/he does. It’s tough to stand up to kids, but that is a parent’s job. It’s not enough to talk the talk with your kids; you have to walk the walk, too.

And, sometimes, you have to ride along for a reality check.