It's Shorthand for Life

It’s a form of shorthand for remembering key ideas, and some well-known acronyms are commonplace in our language, such as SNAFU (Situation Normal/ All F---ed Up), SCUBA gear (Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus), 24/7/365 (24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year). We have LALL (Living And Loving Life), as well as CAVU (Ceiling And Visibility Unlimited). In this same vein, we have become accustomed to using key words to capture our life: Eat, Pray, Love; Live, Laugh, Love. Sometimes, it's just easier to use the key words/phrases than it is to process the question and then respond in a meaningful manner.

Lots of people use the word “fine” to respond when asked, “How are you?”, but the folks at Betty Ford say that’s an acronym for “Fucked Up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Escalating,” an interesting twist of shorthand. According to The Italian Job, “fine” means “Freaked Out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.” Sometimes, fine is just a shorthand way of saying, “I don’t want to talk about it,” or “My life is so fucked up right now that I don’t think I can talk about it.”

I was impressed with the brief comments made by the quarterback of the Kansas City Chiefs, a football team trying to get a handle on two deaths attributed to one of their players, his own suicide and the homicide of his live-in girlfriend, who was also his 3-month-old child’s mother. According to news reports, they had been dealing for many months with the stress of the professional football career demands, as well as personal relationship issues and financial matters. It all came to a head last Saturday with the two violent deaths, to which the quarterback responded in a press conference that we don’t really communicate with the people in our lives. We tweet what other people want to believe and we say the words that others want to hear, but we seldom, if ever, put down our electronic “social media” connections and really connect with people, both to talk with and listen to the people in our lives.

When we ask, “how ya doin?” and they respond “fine,” we both move on. What more is there to say?

I’m seeing a psychotherapist because my past caught up to my present and the resulting collision was unnerving. I am bi-polar, which is a chemical imbalance within my body, so sometimes I’m up (way, way up) and other times I’m down (way, way down), while other times I’m “fine.” I grew up in a family that didn’t talk about that, no matter what the “that” was, and we didn’t do that, again no matter what the “that” was. I learned to keep my own issues to myself, but because of my body chemistry, that was the worst thing I could do – and things found their own way out no matter how much I tried to keep them inside. Seldom was I “fine,” meaning okay, but more often I was “Freaked Out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Escalating.” I became fairly good at masking my behaviors, but everyone has to remove the mask sooner or later, ready or not.

Today, I had my weekly visit with Jennifer, who is a good therapist for me. I asked her if she was more “eat, pray, love” or “live laugh love,” and she chose the latter as being more positive, more out there, which is what I thought she’d say. She agreed with my choice, “eat, pray, love,” based on the several months we’ve been getting to know one another. I do pray, but not fervently or endlessly, and I prayed yesterday while I was driving to San Diego to see an elderly friend of mine. I just wanted our time together to be good because my friend has steadily deteriorated during the last several months. I spoke with her Sunday morning and enjoyed her upbeat, positive reaction to the fact that I was coming down. Of course, she had a list of things we were going to do.

When I arrived, my worst fear was realized: she had another “mini-stroke” Sunday and this time, it was openly obvious with the blank facial affect, the constant drooling, and her inability to process conversation and respond to it. Although I doubted the wisdom of our going out and about, she insisted, so that’s what we did. It was “fine,” but filled with the stress of knowing her physical condition was not stabilized nor steady from one minute to the next. She would begin to speak, then stop and drift off somewhere other than in the present. I returned her to her residence, tucked her in for a nap, gave her a hug and told her I love her, then drove back home knowing that was probably our last visit.

She’s supposed to be leaving today for holiday time with her daughter and son-in-law, but I doubt she can make that trip. If she does get to Colorado, I doubt she’ll return to California once her family sees the deterioration. They will want her closer to them so they can share what time is left.

The holidays are a difficult time for me in a good year, and I will do my best to enjoy this joyful season this year, too. I do love the food of celebration and I love cooking it as much as I enjoy eating it, so that will take my mind off the negatives. It’s challenging to believe that the year 2013 is so few days away, and my goal for the new year is to do at least one “something” that I enjoy, want to do, and can afford each month. This includes both a visit to Oregon and another visit to Canada, as well as shorter visits to friends who live in Nevada and Wyoming. If retirement is about travel, I’m about to travel!

To be continued … maybe