If You're Ever Down a Well

Sometimes I wonder about the definition of "friend," a word used too casually by some people to justify taking advantage of others. If we're "friends," that means I can be treated badly, but not complain, and when I draw the line and say no more, if the friend says "sorry," I have to forgive and forget so we can move on.

That's not working for me.

Perhaps my biggest fault is that I'm too nice to people who do not reciprocate, a hold-over from being the adult child of alcoholics, if the shrinks are to be believed. It's okay, they told me, to have my standards high and expect others to accept my standards for my life; what's not okay is for other people to expect me to meet their standards when they conflict with my own. At that point, I am allowed to choose what I accept and what I won't accept.

A neighbor, who is also a colleague, has been abusing the word "friendship" for about 5 years. Because she is one of the most dysfunctional people I know, I have many times over accepted her egregious behavior and moved on, but have left the door open because she has so few people in her life with whom she can talk and have a casual weekend breakfast. It has been difficult to be her acquaintance, and there have been many times when I have refused to answer the phone when I knew it was she calling, been busy when she wanted to go somewhere/do something, and spoken my piece to her outrageous comments and conduct when it crossed that invisible line that's always been my stopping point.

This week, she did it again. I asked her if her dog could come spend the day with my dog on the one day a week I leave the house at 6 am and don't get back until 10 pm. It's a long day for me, and for my dog, a Rott mix who thinks, at 90 pounds, that she's a precious little lap dog. It was agreed and it's been okay for the past couple of weeks.

This week, she left the dog on Thursday--and didn't come back to pick him up. Friday, she wasn't at work, and Friday night the dog was still here at 8:30 pm. I had already driven to her house to see if her car was there, which it wasn't, and then my mind began to worry: where was she, and was she okay, because I hadn't received a phone call or an email message to assure me she was okay.

When she finally called, she was calling from out of town: sorry, but something came up. I'm with (man's name). I'm leaving right now and will be there when I get there.

That's it.

When she did get to my home, she tried to call her dog out through the gate, but he was inside with me, so she had to ring the bell and look me in the eye. Again, "sorry," but with the added "it's complicated, and I don't want to go into it right now."

Hey, not a problem. We don't ever have to go into it. I pretty much have already filled in the blanks based on past performance, so any story that is told to excuse the behavior is just that: a story. I'm way past that stage of my life, so I'm done with this kind of behavior justified by our "friendship."

All it would have taken was a phone call. I really don't care where she was or the guy she was with (this time) or the nature of the relationship that required her to run away without so much as a by your leave. It was important enough to her to take the day off work on a 3-day weekend, so when she made that call (to the sub service), she should have called me.

She didn't.

My friends don't treat me this way.