Dreaming

A Langston Hughes’ poem has been rattling around in my mind these past few days as a kind of retirement ennui overtakes my life.

Dream Deferred:

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up

like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore--

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over--

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

I have dreams, some of which have been deferred, and other dreams that I cannot realize by myself, such as sharing my life with someone who wants to share his life with me. It’s tricky to find someone you want to be with and who also wants to be with you! I’m not going to spend my days/weeks/months/ years with someone who would rather be somewhere else and with someone else. All that makes is us both miserable. It’s tough to accept that reality and move on, but sometimes, that’s what life offers, regardless of the dream.

I have some dreams that dried up like raisins in the sun, but I like raisins, especially in oatmeal cookies and Eggless, Milkless, Butterless Cake (also called War Cake). Raisins plump nicely when they soak in hot liquid, so drying up like raisins isn’t all bad. The dream is still there; sometimes, it just takes a different form. How you handle that new form is the difference between a dream deferred and a dream realized.

I’ve had dreams that have festered, become damn sore, and then burst open so the pus could cleanse the wound and allow it to heal. Those dreams have knocked me off my feet and left me unable to stand temporarily, but I learned to pick myself up and put my life back together several times over. The next time I felt the festering begin, I knew that I was in for some pain before the injury could heal. I learned that some things have to just work themselves out, but eventually they will, one way or another.

Some dreams give the appearance of being solid, substantial, real—but if they are not cared for properly, they can sour like a piece of meat left out to thaw that stinks up the kitchen. Oh, sure, you can go ahead and prepare it, and even take a bite if you’re a glutton for punishment, but once the meat turns, you might just as well as wrap it in plastic and take it outside because it’s going to stink up the whole house, not just the kitchen, if you leave it on the counter.

Some dreams stay just close enough to be tempting, just close enough that you think there is still going to be a chance for dreams to come true. But if you don’t act on them when the window of opportunity presents itself, not opening the lid on the jam jar because you want to save it for when the time is right, all the sugar comes to the top and ruins the jam. Toss the jam, keep the jar, and next time—enjoy the jam when you get it. There is no better “right time” than right now!

There are dreams that sag, that weigh us down and don’t allow us to move in the direction we need to move. I always wanted happily ever after, but that wasn’t written into my life plan. I’ve watched other people meet their mates, marry, and live reasonably happily ever after, but that option hasn’t been presented to me. When I divorced, I imagined that I would find someone else to share life with, and I waited for it to happen, but I haven’t really even come close! I guess there is a part of me that would rather be reasonably happy single than miserably unhappy married, but I’ve always thought that there could be a between.

Does a dream deferred explode? Does it blow up in our own faces or make us so angry and vengeful that we explode in other people’s faces? Yeah. It’s hard living with disappointment, with having to endure that which we don’t want to endure. It’s awful to have to accept that what we thought our life was going to be isn’t going to be, and no matter how hard we try, no matter what we do (or don’t do), our dream goes up in smoke, but that happens.

It’s no one’s fault; it’s just life.

It’s what we do in response to not getting what we want that makes us the people we are. If we stand up and accept what is, rather than howling about what is not, we can get through this life. It might not be our dream, but sometimes we have to live our reality, rather than continue to wait for our dreams to come true. It could be a really long wait.

It’s about each of us having dreams that disappoint us, dreams that sometimes just fade away, and other times dreams that provide the direction and meaning to our lives. It’s about who we are and who we are to become, and the journey between.