No is Just Another Word if I Don't Mean It

It's not enough to know when to say no, but (1) I have to actually say the word "no," and (2) I have to mean it. I remember a time many years ago when I literally posted a sign above my kitchen phone that said, "THE ANSWER IS NO, AND I DO NOT HAVE TO PROVIDE A REASON." Perhaps it's time for me to remake the sign and remember to just say no.

This past week I began my new life, a life freed from wanting to fulfill other people's needs because somehow that validates my own life. Especially when I absolutely do NOT want to do something, I find myself saying yes because somehow I convince myself that it's not right/fair for me to say no. What hit me while driving home from my visit to my SoCal Coastal friend is that I feed the land sharks Dr. Laura warns me not to feed. Dr. Laura has recently published a book dealing with this issue, so I'm going to purchase it, read it, and change my methods of dealing with people/times when I want to say no, but say yes and then berate myself.

There are far too many sharks in my life, people who tear off pieces of me and bloody the waters in which I live my life. Other sharks, people who feed off other people, pick up the scent and come into my life so they can feed off me. A prime generational example is the mother who turned her own life into shit and passed on all the perceived wrongs done by others to her daughter, who now, at a very young age, feels entitled to live a life based on the world's need to justify the wrongs done to her mother and, by extension, to her. Taking another look, however, at the situation, and it becomes clear that I have no part in either the dysfunction or the resolution. Thus, when I am called upon to engage in the controversies of other people's lives, they begin with the assumption that it is my responsibility not just to do so, but to provide a solution. Because I am wary of racism, the accusations of which seldom seem to require proof, I step lightly in some situations. However, it does not matter to me the color of the skin, but the depth of the "all about me" attitude and entitlement that is being used to manipulate me.

My entire life has been spent trying to fix my world, beginning with my own shortcomings, flaws that were not just pointed out to me since early childhood, but reinforced with constant criticism and punishment. When I am not able to fix whatever is wrong in anyone else's life, not only does that person tell me in no uncertain terms what a failure I am, but then bemoans how I have damaged his/her life in the process of failing to fix their life. It's not my life, it's not my issue, and it's not my responsibility, but when I fail to say "NO" and mean it, I own what is not mine as if it were. Believe me, I have enough of my own dysfunctional life and issues to carry with me, so I have no need to add anyone else's to my life. However, when anyone comes to me, I think how much I would appreciate having someone to help me with my times of need, and I willingly jump right into something I should run from if I had any sense.

I've stopped answering my phone unless it is a person with whom I want to talk and at a time I want to converse. I am working on not offering advice, just listening and walking away, leaving one's personal problems with the person who actually owns them. I am reaching out to people who are important to me, rather than spending time with people who simply feed on me. I've never been a taker, but I really need to become more able to take than to give because the giving is beginning to feel as if I am paying ransom to other people's need. I am slowly convincing myself that it's okay for me to decide not just what to give, but to whom, and equally okay to simply say no.

I've given myself the month of March to "march" on my own path and see if I can turn this negativity around and/or shut it off. I am practicing saying "no" without offering the explanation, but that's going to take time. I am working on not feeling obligated to share what I have with others who make their own spending decisions and thus cannot afford to own what I own. My goal is to find a series of things/ events/ people important to me and then include them/it in my life, instead of telling myself no so I am available to do unto others what I never do for myself.

It's a work in process, but I also hope it's work that will progress.