Master Manipulation

Ah, the youth of today. When honesty is required, lie; when the direct approach works best, manipulate. Practice and perfect a look of total innocence and apply it whenever an adult confronts the lie, the manipulation, and then storm off in a fury of anger and resentment when neither the lie nor the manipulation work.

I know better than to loan money, but because I basically believe in the goodness of people, I attempt to teach through learning one's lesson, even when I can predict the outcome ahead of the loan. The girl next door, who thoroughly enjoyed meeting my daughter at Christmas, learned about giving from the heart when said daughter helped her shop for and then create a special Christmas stocking for her mother. I reinforce the mother, as well as her parenting, because, as a single parent who works long days, the mother has to trust her daughter to be honest with her at all times. The girl is at the age when she no longer wants to be mothered, but she's making bad choices that are going to bite her in the ass before she's prepared to handle them. The mother continues to tell me her daughter is a "good girl," but I know better.

Thus, when the girl spent 4 days with me the weekend prior to Valentine's Day, I was happy to help her make her mother a special card and loan the money to purchase a gift to accompany the card. I made it very clear that the money I spent was a loan, and the promise was given to repay me the following week. Not only did that not happen, but when I reminded my borrower of her debt, she "went off" on me the way she would go off on one of her teenage friends. When her mother over-heard the daughter's telephone rant and learned it was directed at me, she was appalled. She called me, expressed her disappointment with her daughter, and ordered her daughter to apologize to me.

That does not work. Either the apology is from the heart and sincere, or it isn't worth making. I told the girl that I understood that she had to make this gesture, but she owed me sincerity, as well as the money she owed me, and until I had both from her, there was a wedge between us that would stay in place.

Yesterday, the mother called me and asked point-blank why I was not calling them as I used to do on a much more regular basis. I told her that I've been busy, I've had some medical issues, and I've been redoing my bathroom, but the mother realized that there was something else going on and asked her daughter, who finally admitted that one, she owes me money, and two, she told lies about me to her mother. Again, the call from the mother, who again informed me that her daughter would be on my doorstep to repay part of the money she owes me and to again apologize.

When the daughter rang the doorbell, I answered, but I did not invite her inside. When she presented me with partial payment, I acknowledged it, but asked her when I could expect the balance of what she owes me. Then, I told her that she is making bad choices about the people in her life, as well as the decisions she is making to lie to her mother (and to me). She is not avoiding me solely because she owes me money and lied to cover that up, and we both know that to be the truth. I told her that her mother has to trust her to be where she's supposed to be, when she's supposed to be there, but we both know that the girl is not coming home to do her homework after school. The girl figured out how to spend far too much time with her friends, and that includes an older boy she has a crush on. She arrives home 15 minutes before her mother -- in time to be "in the shower" and avoid her mother's knowing eyes.

The girl told me that her mother never tells her where she is and/or what she's doing, so why should the girl tell her mother anything. I reminded her that she's 14 and the daughter, while her mother is turning 40 this year and is the parent. Unless the 14-year-old is prepared to become a mother herself and relive her mother's life pattern, the young girl is headed for heartache she does not want or need.

Believe it or not, the girl sincerely apologized for lying about me and promised to repay the other half of her debt. She told me that she used to enjoy coming to my house to do her homework and use my computer when she got home from school, but I have not been friendly to her, so she quit coming over. I told her that when she tells lies and tries to manipulate adults to get what she wants from them without having to be either truthful or repay a debt, then the adults will walk away from her just as I have done. We have neither the time, nor the energy, much less the resources to play a child's game.

We'll see how the lesson goes. As the old saying goes, "The proof is in the pudding, not the promise."