TP Turner

A dear friend who stops by once in a while prefers to pull the tp from the over position, rather than the under style I favor. After she leaves, I go to the guest bathroom and return the roll to the under style as she changes the roll every time she visits, whether it's for a one-stop potty visit or an overnight.

Yes, I know that Martha says the paper should flow from the top, but I also pull the paper towels from under for the same reason: it's the way I want it to be in my home. In my decades-long experience, I have determined that less paper is used when it is pulled from under, both in the bathroom and the kitchen. Older tp users naturally seem to be less enthusiastic in pulling paper to finish their business in the bathroom, while younger toiletiers enjoy the unfettered ribbon flow of paper that results from the over position, often leaving a floor-length stream of paper behind for the next toiletier to deal with: do I tear it off and use fresh paper, or do I just use the streamer so it doesn't go to waste?

We all know that there actually is no correct way to position the tp roll: it's a matter of personal preference regardless of Martha's mandate. It's sort of like believing in God: if you are a person of faith and you've made a personal commitment to believe in God, then there is a God. However, if you don't believe there is a God, there is absolutely no way anyone can ever convince you to the contrary because it's not their decision whether you believe in God or not -- just like it's your decision which way the tp comes off the roll in your bathroom!

On the other hand, in those odds moments that seep into a leisurely rainy day, long-repressed thoughts seem to pop into the present, such as the tp paper over/under issue. It matters not one whit to me what anyone does with the paper in the privacy of one's own home, but it amuses me that a guest in my home changes the roll from under to over. I'll hazard the guess that a person who switches the tp in another person's bathroom also goes through their medicine cabinet and the vanity, two areas that are, in my world view, off limits. I also don't meander through the guest room closet, bureau, or other pieces of furniture that may be included in the decor because ... it's not my bedroom, not my furniture, not my place to paw through another person's belongings. As a matter of fact, I think it's extremely presumptuous of anyone to check out the medicine cabinet, the vanity, and/or the contents of a guest room. I'll save my comments about checking out the kitchen cabinets and 'fridge for another rainy day.

I could just ask her why she changes the roll, but it's much more fun not to acknowledge her actions; instead, I write my own script about her motivations, her apparent glee at fooling me by changing the tp roll, and the satisfaction she must feel in thinking that she's been getting away with this outrageous behavior for the past decade. Or not: perhaps she spends a rainy day wondering why I've never asked her why she always switches the tp in the guest bathroom!