The Sex Talk Redeaux

Last Friday, I caught Oprah Live, including a panel discussion based on a guest's presentation about teen girls' sexuality. The guest decries the fact that her parents did not do a good job of telling her about sex, and now that she's in her 40-something stage of life, she's just figuring out her sexual identity and needs. Thus, based solely on her personal experience, she's touting developing sexual awareness in girls that includes teaching them how to become self-aware of what turns them on and how to bring themselves to orgasim so they don't fall victim to selfish partners whose goal is to pleasure themselves by using the girl as their sex toy.

Okay, lots of us have a lot less actual sexual experience than others, but we can't return to our teens and relive that decade through our children. If we got a lot, we help them to what? get a lot less or get a lot more? If we were not sexually active until our 20s, we push our kids to start sooner or wait until later? If we were promiscuous, depending how how well that turned out for us, we pimp out our kids or send them to a nunnery? It's NOT all about me; it's about my children finding their pathway through life -- in their own time and in their own way.

When she took the last step, my stomach roiled: mothers should actively talk to their young teenage daughters (ages 12-15) about masturbating themselves so they don't fall victim to horny teenage boys to do it for them! It's far better for young teen girls to masturbate than it is for them to become involved in sexual discovery with male partners who don't have their interests in mind when they pull down the zipper on their pants. If I, the mother, help my teen daughter to explore her own sexuality, I won't need to worry that she's out exploring it with teen boys, who, by the way, are already pleasuring themselves, so what's the big deal.

At this point, I was trying to figure out if this was one of the more avant garde comedians doing a hip new routine or a person committed to her cause: she's committed all right -- really committed. She believes that when we pleasure ourselves, we don't have to go looking for someone to do it for us, and that is better than putting our sexual identity into the hands of a complete stranger who may do it his way (the wrong way), rather than our way (the right way). Young teen girls use teen boys to masturbate them because they want to know the pleasure the body can experience, but if the male fails to be the right person to do this the right way, the female will suffer into her adulthood, such as the presenter herself suffers to this very day. If she had learned how to give herself an orgasim, she would not have to turn to men to do it for her. Oh, puhleeze, get over it!

Going a step further, the presenter believes that the best gift under the Christmas tree is a vibrator, along with an intimate mother-to-daughter discussion about using it. We should not fear a dildo: we should anticipate our daughters building a relationship with it. Our very young teen daughters, the ones who are probably still watching Hannah Montana!

Okay, so let me clarify my position on this right here and right now: what the hell is she thinking? As an adult, it's okay to rue either your experience or your lack of it, to think back on the highlights and the lowlights of your sexual development, but I don't know many young teenage girls who either are ready for this kind of parental bonding or need it. I also do not agree with parents who encourage their kids to become sexually active by allowing them to wear clothing/styles that are not age appropriate, to date at a young age, to obtain and use birth control products, to believe that a sexual relationship defines who they are.

And I sure as hell do NOT think that this is a subject for national exposure on Oprah! Oprah was supporting the premise of self-stimulation to develop personal sexual awareness, but her best friend, Gayle, was adamantly opposed on the same grounds that kicked in for me: too much information for children who are too young to understand it in a context that is appropriate for their stage of development. Would Oprah provide each of the girls at her exclusive girls' school in Africa with personal pleasure equipment and instruction? Lights out at 9 pm girls, so you have time to practice bringing yourself to orgasim before falling asleep? Hopefully, that would be a hell no!

Maturation is a process that occurs over many years, not an event that begins when a male gets his first erection and/or a female starts her periods. The parental responsibility is to discuss the stages of development, to help their children through the maturation process naturally, not to hasten it so the child only knows that his/her changing body is ready for sex, so go forth and masturbate so you will enjoy it when you fornicate. Teens are already conflicted about what's happening to their bodies and how to handle the changes, so I cannot see that teaching girls to masturbate is going to make it all better either at the time or for the long haul.

Twenty years from now, is there going to be another Oprah show featuring 40-something women whose mothers forced them to become masters of personal pleasure, rather than teaching them how to become fully-functioning sexual partners in committed relationships, and that has ruined their adult sexual relationships?

Surely there are other issues that need national exposure, like how parents can teach their children ethical conduct and responsibility for their actions in a society that believes it's only wrong if you are caught.