Anyone Could Be Me

Perhaps it’s part of the natural winding down process that occurs as I age, but there has been a feeling of oh, well about who I am and what I have accomplished with my life. There is such a long line of others waiting to take my place that there is an overwhelming feeling that anyone could be me. This week, my horoscope focused on the feeling in a way that says it how I think it:

Your horoscope for October 2, 2009

You may feel you can no longer explore your inner feelings, but alas, dear Liza, you must persevere. You have a tremendous capacity to bury problems deep, and you obliviously go through life surfing on top of them. It is true that this strategy of yours allows you to remain in a good mood. But you are never in such a good mood as to be profoundly happy, wouldn't you agree? (msn.com)

I do bury problems deep because that’s part of who I am from way back when. In my family, we never talked about pretty much anything because why waste the time, the effort, the energy when it had to be spent on so many other aspects of life? When there are 6 children and one working parent, who cares about what isn’t when there is so much that is to consume the hours/days/ weeks/months/ years? And that cycle continues: there are very few people with whom I share my self, rather than my persona. I have created a cocoon around my self, but eventually that covering either breaks open to reveal a metamorphosis or it disintegrates and returns to nature: ashes to ashes, dust to dust. It feels as if my cocoon is weathering away, and I’m not sure that I’m ready to live without, rather than within.

People have expectations based on their expectations, not on who we really are, and once others have created us in their image, that’s all they want to see and/or know. As long as I present the appropriate persona to the appropriate person at the appropriate time, we go along to get along; however, when I stop being who they have defined me to be, it’s time for us to go our separate ways, and that has happened several times during the past year. After trying to be who others needed me to be, I saturated myself with a falseness that I could no longer sustain. One day, it was all gone. I could no longer bite my tongue so I didn’t say what I was thinking, but when I spoke up, the other persons were incredulous that I didn’t agree with them and am willing to walk the rest of the way without them as part of my life.

It surprises me that everyone else in the world is personally empowered to speak his/her own mind, especially as it pertains to who I am and how I should live my life, but I’m not allowed to do the same – even when it’s about my own life! You cannot take from a person for years and then refuse to accept that they, too, have needs – needs that you refuse to accommodate. As long as I follow someone else’s script, my life goes along more evenly. As my horoscope puts it, however, I am “never in such a good mood as to be profoundly happy,” and I have finally come to the stage in my life when I want to be “profoundly happy.”

I just have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to make that happen, which is a sad commentary about my inner resources.

I can do a Letterman, I can admit that I have done horrible things in my life that if I could undo them, I would, but I’m too pragmatic to fool myself, much less anyone else. I did learn from the mistakes and have tried valiantly not to repeat them, but it’s the mistakes that wake me up in the middle of the night. I do live my life in a world of “if only” because that’s part of who I am, too. What’s that perspective that has found popularity with the younger "me" generations: it’s all about me, so whatever I did/do is okay and the rest of the world just has to deal with it because I’ve moved on? See, that’s not who I was/am/want to be, but it may become who I am as my protective covering continues shedding itself.

I do take it personally when I give my best and it’s thrown back at me in meanness, in disrespect, in anger: how can I not take it personally when it’s aimed at me? I know that many people displace their own life frustrations onto others so they can walk away from them, but I seem to be a target more often than others, probably because I present a self to the world that says, “I can take it.” That’s not always true, however, and all the attacks, both personal and professional, have taken a toll that is just now beginning to overwhelm me. The military talks about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder for those who live through the trauma of war, but I’ve lived through another war: my life, which has included 35 years of accepting responsibility for thousands of students, their parents, and colleagues who sloughed off their issues, situations, dysfunctions, and inability to cope with life onto my shoulders.

Yes, I’m serious. In an office setting, I’d never have to assume personal responsibility for the function of the workplace, as well as the individual dysfunctions of the customers who occupy the seats for an hour each day, five days a week. Do the quick math: 35 years of at least 200 students a day, and then add a parental unit to each of those students, as well as colleagues who picked the wrong job and hate what they are doing, as well as administrators who could not teach, so moved to the front office to tell those of us who can do our jobs well how to do it their way, never realizing that THEY FAILED: we haven’t.

That’s PTSD.

Yes, my strategy allows me to remain in a good mood, but it’s not a place where I feel good either about myself or about others. It used to be that I could not wait to go to work, to share my knowledge, my expertise, my experience in the classroom because my goal was to help students become better users of their English skills. A poorly-written essay reflects badly on my teaching, so I take the time to work one-on-one to help the student do a better job, which used to be enough. Not any longer: the response to a bad grade is that I personally want to hurt the student’s chances at a future that includes a good career with a great salary. It’s not professional for the student: it’s personal; but for me, it can only be professional because I’m not allowed to have it be personal.

That’s PTSD.

Life is on-going PTSD, one way or another, and we all have to learn how to cope with what is, rather than what we wish life could be, but we also have to learn how to move past where we are to closer to where we want to be. I cannot assume that “someone” is going to make my life better, so I have to do it myself. However, before I can engage that process, I have to put in place a goal, a vision of where/when/why. If I just start doing whatever I want, chances are I’ll make more bad decisions than good ones, which means spending time undoing that which doesn’t work so I can continue with what does work, a meaningless activity of nailing one foot to the floor and going around and around in circles, all the while thinking that I’m making progress toward whatever.

I want to be me, whoever that is: the good, the bad, the ugly. I don’t want to live the rest of my life in a continual process of self-censoring, while being barraged by other people’s dysfunction. I don’t want to deal with the people who ascribe meaning to words based on their interpretation of them, rather than on what was said in the course of a simple conversation. I don’t want to deal with people whose lives are imploding and expect me to accommodate the process. I don’t want to answer either my phone or my doorbell unless I’m in the frame of mind to deal with whoever’s there.

Sometimes, I just don’t want to deal with any of it – and that should be okay with the rest of the world. It should be my decision whether to go through the remainder of my life surfing across the problems or dealing with them head-on, as well as deciding whether I want others to think I’m in a good mood when I really want to be profoundly happy.

Yesterday, while watching an episode of one of the Law/Order shows during my sick day, a scene featured an actor accused of murder. His assessment: you can arrest me, but you'll never get a conviction because I'm the star of the show and without me, there is no show. I think that just maybe once or twice I'd like to be the "star" of my show and KNOW that no one can replace me, but deep down inside, anyone could be me. If I want that to be different, then I have to change to make it different. Let's see if I'm up to the task!